if you only read the words…

“If you only read the words, you’d understand my heart…. If you only read the words, you’d see that the story isn’t so hard to comprehend. You’d wipe my tears, laugh with my rejoicing, and sit and chat when I just need to vent. If you only read the words…” -c.l.beyer, written on 05.august.2005

* * *
God, I’m so dry. Sometimes I don’t even care, You know? I don’t feel like talking to You, but I know I should… so I do. Here I am. Hit me or something because I’m too weak to reach out.
“The Lord hath called me from the womb; from the bowels fo my mother hath he made mention of my name” (Isaiah 49.1).
“Thou art my servant, O Israel, in whom I will be glorified (Isaiah 49.3).
“In an acceptable time have I heard thee, and in a day of salvation have I helped thee” (Isaiah 49.8).Yeah, yeah, God. Those are wonderful words, powerful promises. I know in my head that they’re true; they’re just not hitting me in the heart, You know?

“And I will make all my mountains a way, and my highways shall be exalted” (Isaiah 49.11).

Nice words for someone else. Let me look at the words without reading them. They aren’t helping anyway. Maybe You’ll do something supernatural. Maybe You can break through this numb barrier. Yes, yes… that’s better… words speeding by without meaning…

If you only read the words, you would understand My heart.

Hey, I wrote that.

Did you?
Sorry, God, my mind’s wandering. Where did that come from? I was sitting here reading — kind of — and…
You didn’t mean that for me, did You?
If you only read the words, you would understand My heart.
Okay. I’ll read. I don’t want to be superstitious or anything, but yeah… I guess it would help if I read the words.
“Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains: for the LORD hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted” (Isaiah 49.13).
Like I said, nice promises for someone else.
“But Zion said, The LORD hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me” (Isaiah 49.14).
Exactly. I know how they feel.
“Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb?” (Isaiah 49.15a)
Um… no.
“Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee” (Isaiah 49.15b).
[Silence]
“Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands” (Isaiah 49.16a).
Kind of drastic, don’t You think? But… You feel that way about me?
If you only read the words, you would understand My heart.
Well then. I guess so.
[Silence]
Here I am…
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    • Jamie
    • November 8th, 2005

    Pretty good. You’ve captured something that I think a lot of people struggle with: feelings. Humans tend to have them. They’re real. They do affect us. Christians are not immune to them. David, the man after God’s own heart, expresses deep emotion in many psalms. Anguish. Frustration. Joy. Anger. Hope. Sorrow. In David, we find an example of how to live with our emotions: express them…to God. Sometimes privately. Sometimes publically.

    Thanks, CLB. Keep them coming. Now time to read a few words.

    • Luke
    • November 8th, 2005

    My chest got tight. I really appreciate your honest, emotional, writing style.

    p.s. I wasn’t sure where to put the comma’s in my comment. šŸ™‚

    • c.l.beyer
    • November 8th, 2005

    šŸ™‚

    Wow… thanks, Luke.

    …and don’t worry about the punctuation thing. It’s just a fun outlet for me; I’m not really the expert. Lots of things are much more important. šŸ™‚

    • dona
    • November 14th, 2005

    It amazes me, Carrie, the way you can put things into words. This post really touched me. Thank you!

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