gasping for breath

The past couple months have been a whirlwind.  I wish I could write that artistically, but all I can muster is cliche.  I have felt drawn to pursue new passions — living greenly and unapologetically, eating responsibly, loving (Loving.  Why is it so hard?).

I have wanted to post to you dear readers about my head full of new dreadlocks.  I wish I could have told you that already they are helping me be a more patient person.  I wanted to tell you that I have learned how to live without feeling rushed all the time.  I wanted to say that I mastered a diet of all raw vegan food.

But then things like cookies and impatience and my flesh got in the way.

I am so tired tonight.  Not physically; I don’t feel like sleeping.  I am worn out.  I had so hoped that this week, in which I have nothing scheduled, I could get ahead.  I could get the house clean, I could start reading books and blogging again. (Oh, wait.  I am blogging.)  But Isaiah was grumpy and disobedient and whiny today, and somehow that made everything seem like it was crashing down on me, leaving no room for escape.

Green living is tiring, and that makes me angry.  I get angry at society for not making ecological, healthy, responsible living the norm.  Ditto for healthy eating.  I have read so much about eating raw, enzyme-rich food in the form of fruits, vegetables, nuts, and sprouted grains.  All of sudden, I realized how ludicrous it is to eat based on taste alone.  It’s like saying to go have all the sex one wants just because it feels good.  I have gone full boar on my diet for days in a row, drinking green smoothies and vitamin-rich salads, and then found my weaknesses in the form of cookies and fast food.  I feel like I can’t find a happy medium because my self-control is so shallow.  Like I must either go 100% raw, or throw the whole idea to the wind.

I want to do my laundry in an earth friendly way, but my laundry has just been stinking lately.  Either my homemade laundry detergent isn’t doing the trick, or the air drying isn’t as fresh as it sounds.  Can I just blame it on pollution or something?

I want so desperately to know how to live life with simplicity.  I want to fling material things from my life, so that I can find pleasure in sitting in the dusky glow of the sun with a cup of tea and a blank sheet of paper.  I feel the shackles of this sinful world so heavy on my head, and I worry that I’ll either become haughty about my own success to overcome the world, or delusional that I’ve actually conquered the flesh when it’s actually the very stuff in which I’m bound.  Maybe those two things are one in the same.

The business (busyness) of life angers me.  The chemical spraying of food angers me.  The idea that someone would make something dangerous for money angers me.  Those dirty dishes by my sink anger me, and the high prices on healthy food.  I am angry that drug companies care more about a profit than helping an African with AIDS.  I am angry that I lack the desire to sit down at six in the morning to have a talk with God.  I’m angry that this world is so divided.  $3.78 for a gallon of gas makes me angry.  And I sit, and get behind, and there’s so much to do.  And that makes me angry.

And when I’m so angry, all I can do is feel weak.  And I just say, “Oh, Jesus.  Help.”

  1. Be of good cheer!
    I think you have come along way from where you had been.
    Stop, Breath, and look back to where and what you used to be.

    Your doing Great!
    Your an inspiration, and you will figure how to do and be what you desire to be. One step at a time!

    “Inch by inch, life is a cinch! Yard by Yard life is hard!”

  2. ‘And when I’m so angry, all I can do is feel weak. And I just say, “Oh, Jesus. Help.”’

    Amen. That is what we [[all]] need. Especially in the face of anger. It is a good thing to realize our weakness and His strength.

    By the way, thank you for your comment Carrie–you are really kind. I so have a lot to learn! You are free to link to my blog though.

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